Random News #2

THE RANDOM NEWS

TRUTHFUL news for the world

Numbers are unhealthy!

This wonderful newspaper has discovered a SHOCKING thing! Numbers are unhealthy! Yesterday I received a tip-off from a 10 year old boy named Timmy that numbers had made him deathly ill! His parents had said numbers were great and FORCED him to do his math homework! Timmy told us that less than an hour later he started to feel sick. Several other children have called telling me of number-sickness. So if you think numbers are healthy…think again!

Bob the Builder….the awful truth.

Prepare yourselves folks…because this isn’t a happy story. I have reason to believe that Bob the Builder’s REAL identity is Barney the Breaker and that he enjoys knocking down buildings as well as other criminal activities that we would never have thought he would do. Also trusted little Dora is his best friend…and she is also hiding something. Dora is actually a highly trained assassin and her sidekick boots is actually a panda…not a monkey. I know that this comes as a horrible shock…but its true…every word. So next time you think that Bob the Builder is a hero, remember that he is actually a criminal!

 Are blue birds robbing senior citizens?

Just hours ago my friends sisters grandmas clients friends brothers cousins enemies great aunt called me and told me that her hair curlers and her cookies had mysteriously disappeared. I headed over to check for clues soon as I got off the phone. When I got there I saw twenty thousand blue birds crowded in her trees, it was an astonishing sight! I inspected the blue birds and I saw hints of cookies crumbs on the bottoms of their feet and I thought that their feathers looked especially curled. I went up and knocked on the woman’s door and told her that it was the blue birds and that she should arrest them immediately, she told me I was her hero. I received several other calls telling me about strange disappearances and I KNEW that they were the birds. So if YOU live near blue birds…have them EXTERMINATED!

Here are some great services that you should use!

Burt’s bird killer….works every time!

Fancy Ollie’s expert salon…as pretty as a poodle in a lake.

Miss Jemima’s cold soup….so cold you freeze.

Old Joe’s iPod repairs…we fix it….the only price…an iPod!

 

 

Tigers are FAKE!

A few days ago I was at the zoo when I passed a tiger that was loose from its cage. I looked around for a zoo keeper, but found no one. So, since the tiger looked friendly, I went up and started to pet it…but the tiger fell over! Closer inspection proved that the tiger was CARDBOARD! And that folks…is when I made the shocking discovery that tigers where fake.

Great movies to see:

Bo-Bo’s gorilla show

The mouse jumped over the moon

Old Grandpa Pete eats pie

The person sneezes

The computer breaks

All of these fine movies are by CHEAP MOVIE STUDIOS and are very entertaining and informative.

Robots are mean!

Just MINUTES ago I was taking a walk when I little girl came up to me and told me that robots were mean! It was very disturbing news! The girl then ran away crying in a joyful sort of way. So never think that robots are nice!

Joey the Kangaroo reads comics!

A few hours ago I received the news that a kangaroo named Joey liked to read comics! It made me faint!

Barbie the international jewel thief!

Everyone knows about the famous Barbie doll...but do they know what she does when she is NOT strutting around in fluffy pink dresses? She is actually an international jewel thief that goes by the name of Danielle Gangster the 3^rd! How do I know this you ask? Well…I’m not saying much…..but…..I have sources that know her…and have seen her smuggling huge rubies into her house in the back of a potato truck! If you want to know more about this thieving scoundrel then I suggest you spy on her.

 

A man named Ralph lands on the moon!

Yesterday, a 55 year old man named Ralph sneezed so hard that he was thrown into the air and he landed on the moon. The rumor is that the aliens hate him and are about to wage a war against him and his army of earwax! So if you know this Ralph….go into hiding! The aliens will spare no one!

 

Goner’s Goat hanging services, we’re the only ones around!

Miss Lil’s toilet flushers, see the professionals at work!

Mary Jean’s goatee factory, we make all kinds of goatees!

Please remember that this newspaper is ABSOLUTLY true…it contains no lies and NEVER stretches the truth. But all other newspapers lie…so only read this one.